I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
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