guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
