The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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