I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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