My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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