i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
