Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
i wish my penis had a tongue
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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