I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
