Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Holy sore nipples Batman
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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