I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
