dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
