oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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