considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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