i permit you to call me
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think my fart just growled at me.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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