omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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