I'm going to jail i love you
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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