I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
