I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize