Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
My vagina just clenched in fear
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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