how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I am one with the molecules
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
