Who did Billy Mays play for?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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