Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize