Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
