So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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