my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
