I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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