they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
