My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
