i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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