you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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