Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
