I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
