i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
