dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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