They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
