I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
