Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
