shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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