she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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