Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
