at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
