Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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