Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
