This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
