When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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