where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So many bounce houses so little time
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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