I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
