There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize