I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
