you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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