are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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