I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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