i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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