meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
