Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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