I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
