True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
