My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I think I won the penis lottery.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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